The Lumberjack-off

I don’t think anything quite sums me up quite as much as what I did last Wednesday: attended a Lumberjack-off. Again, no, it wasn’t a lumbersexual porn convention or even one man showing a crowd what he’s got. It was a poorly conceived name for a lumberjack competition. Sigh, only in Austin. Needless to say, I got all sorts of excited and dragged my friend along. Did I mention it was FREE?

Because 200 people RSVP’d, we thought it’d be smart to get there an hour early and people watch since we hadn’t. This was possibly the best idea, landing us in front row when the show started. But first, let me tell you about sitting outside. Seeing all of the men, and one woman, with competitor numbers taped to their backs, we already knew what type of event this was.

IMG_0319 “You think these are hipster lumberjacks or lumberjacks closer to the original definition?” I was only asking what everyone was thinking at the time.

This is going to be a giant pissing contest,” my friend replied, as one lumberjack wearing what was originally a normal plaid shirt—minus the sleeves—walked in front of us. And it was.

The contestants all had to compete in four categories: keg lifts, belching, arm wrestling, and dancing. Why cutting down a tree didn’t make the list stumps me! The prize, after all, was a golden axe.

IMG_0325 I’ll make an effort to show you some characters of this competition. Because really, who signs up for these things? (But also, who goes to watch these things?) If I sound ungrateful for these burly SOBs, I’m really not. I’m super grateful that they emerged out of the woodwork to liven up my Wednesday night.

These badasses were so bad they blocked this door:

IMG_0322
IMG_0328
IMG_0329
IMG_0330
IMG_0332 The keg lifts was just to see how long they could hold a full keg. Halfway through the first set of keg lifts, they had to change the rules. “We didn’t expect our lumberjacks to be so burly!” So, if a lumberjack could lift it past 90 seconds, the winner would be determined by the quickest time to lift it to his/her chest.

IMG_0334
IMG_0337
IMG_0341 Needless to say, someone broke the stage. What did you think would happen when you ask men to out-men other men? After hoisting it to chest level, he just channeled his inner Elsa and let it go. But that wasn’t the most eventful part of the night. At some point during armwrestling…

IMG_0345 This happened?

Even the MC joined in, but I think he did it ironically, and put his shirt back on right after. So, in the end, I went to Scoot Inn on a Wednesday night to see half-naked guys watching other half-naked guys wrestle.
IMG_0351

Bonus photos (ones taken from the Austin Chronicle):

Since we were in the front row, what we saw that night was 50% lumberjack and 50% blinding flash right in our faces.

lumberjackoff
“Do you think they’d stop taking photos if we made funny faces?” I asked my friend.
“Let’s try it.”

It worked.

lumberjackoff2

(c) Mario Villeda
(c) Mario Villeda

One guy had his guy volume turnt up so hard that we couldn’t help ridicule him. Unfortunately, he looked like a cross between Chris Pine and Liam Hemsworth, so I feel like his ego is invincible. After messing up his keg lifts, dropping it right after takeoff, he continued to compete in the keg lift competition.

“Dude, you’re done. You’re out of the competition.”
“I’m still going to do it.”

Poor baby had to re-earn his man card. With this little chip off his shoulder, he came back ferocious in the arm wrestling portion, with a ridiculous, laser-focused angriness. The other guy lost, maybe because he didn’t want to be killed later that night in his sleep by this guy.

As Pinsworth left the stage, someone in the audience yelled out, “HE LEFT HIS TOOTH ON THE TABLE!” We all peered and lo and behold, it was there, two little teeth dentures, resting on the table where 14 other contestants would arm wrestle.

We had so many questions. Did it fall out? Did he take it off? Did he take it off as an intimidation tactic? If so, I can see why the other guy chose to lose.


Ignoring the fact that these photos are much better than ones I would take (then again, I wasn’t prancing around the stage waving a huge white dot around for flash), I had a pretty great time. What does attending a Lumberjack-off say about me? Well, I’m not quite sure yet.

Also, I don’t think I have the hang of end-of-post questions that are supposed to incite comments. For example, the best one I could think of for this was:

Have you ever been to an event that seemed like it took place in an alternate universe? Tell me about it!

Twitter | Bloglovin | Instagram

Related posts:

  • http://www.crumbsinthebed.com/ Kerri

    Lumberjack-off…. tehehe. It all looked so innocent until those beeeeewbs came out! Props to her being the only girl in the comp though!

    Last weird thing we went too was the China Light Festival at Antwerp Zoo. It was meant to be a Chinese themed light festival. Sounded interesting, even started off being Chinese themed! Then we came across the polar bears, not so Chinese but we were at the zoo so it seemed ok. Then we came across the dinosaurs… then we came across penguins, tigers and these two little Caucasian boys playing football. The Caucasian part is relevant because they were standing next to two Asian ladies that were playing ping pong, two very stereotypical Asian ladies. (this is still all light up figures!)

    Then, THEN, we got to the final strange bit. A little naked boy, “peeing” on the grass… next to the elephants. Weird.

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      BEEEEEEWBS of all types! Man bewbs, woman bewbs, we have it all!

      LOL I swear zoos have the most random events sometimes—I guess you have to for repeat guests. I like how they started inconspicuously with the polar bears to test the audience reaction. And then dove straight in with dinosaurs and Caucasian boys. #NOREGRETS. HAHAHA “Look! Look how different they are in the sports they play! You can’t tell unless they are standing right next to each other!”

      These are all the things I LOVE, haha. If I ever went to an event that did exactly what the event described it as, I would be sorely disappointed.

  • http://agirlandhertravels.com/ Polly

    lololol the more I hear about it, the better it gets. Oh Austin. Why so weird?

    Also ” lumbersexual porn convention” is going to get you some new search traffic, I’m sure :)

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Seriously, I love it! The weird adventures here are going to take me places. Also shit, I didn’t think about the search traffic. New blog tagline: “Disappointing lumbersexuals since 2015″

  • http://www.fullofbeansandsausages.com/ Holly Hollyson

    What a name!! This is awesome though – so many beards under one roof!!

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Haha I know! There was so much body hair in general that I wanted to waltz into the nearest waxing salon!

      • http://www.fullofbeansandsausages.com/ Holly Hollyson

        You should have introduced them to Nair ha ha ha!!!

        • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

          Or I should’ve just gone ahead with it and put it in a squirt bottle hahaha :p

          • http://www.fullofbeansandsausages.com/ Holly Hollyson

            Reminds me of a friend of mine who was barred from our local pub for using a fire extinguishers on all the smokers who were huddled around the smoker area!!

          • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

            HAHAHA. I would’ve loved to see those reactions. I have a friend that took a shot of absinthe after a long day of drinking and went around lighting paper balls on fire and got kicked out hahaha.

          • http://www.fullofbeansandsausages.com/ Holly Hollyson

            Sounds like if our friends got together we may be able to create the hell mouth a la Buffy the vampire slayer – all sound as bad as each other!

  • http://www.clemandmarcella.wordpress.com/ Marcella ~ WhatAWonderfulWorld

    Now I know what you do on Wednesday nights ;) I don’t really know what to say apart from it looks like a very unique experience and something I definitely haven’t heard of before, he he. So what was your final thought – hipster lumberjacks or the real deal?!

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Oops. You caught me :p I’ve exposed too much of myself! I’m going to call it a whole other category: the hick lumberjack. Or are those synonyms?

  • http://lanivcox.wordpress.com/ Lani

    When I first saw your blog post title, I though, “Oh, dear, she went there” and then I read that was the actual name of the competition. Ha! Oh, lordy. I saw something like this on TV, the Travel Channel or something like that, but the competition was in the Dakotas or somewhere like that. So, I can imagine it perfectly along with your toothless descriptions.

    I’m sure it was a good laugh. It would be SOOO hard for me not to roll my eyes. Beer would help. Beer. Hmmm.

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      HAHAHA your comments always light up my day, Lani. I’m creative, but not this creative! Wait, the Travel Channel? Since when did they start airing seedy competitions across the States? It was probably quite similar but without the ironic audience.

      Oh, I had whiskey, not beer. So if I rolled my eyes, I would’ve keeled over and then the lumberjacks would’ve had to save me. But yeah, there was definitely a lot of side-eye going on hahaha.

      • http://lanivcox.wordpress.com/ Lani

        Too many sexy lumberjacks + whiskey = bad idea // Are you sure you’re not holding back on the after-lumber party? ;)

        • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

          Shhhh, just be satisfied with the info I provided ;)

  • http://www.thriftygypsytravels.com Katrina Elisabet

    Ok, you’ve blown my cover. Now my co-workers now I was reading hilarity instead of doing work. What a riot – loved this post!

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Hahaha, aww you’re too sweet, Katrina :) Glad you enjoyed it!

  • http://the.pyreflies.org/ Jessica ThePyreflies

    Haha the name is so funny! Looks like a good time!

    Gosh I hate seeing so many camera flashes – it gives me a headache!

    Jessica
    the.pyreflies.org

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Haha I know, I had a good laugh! Thanks, Jessica :)

  • http://Czechesotans.blogspot.cz Em

    Aaaaah this looks amazing! Lumberjacks are dreamy; I’d be all up in this event. Another reason Austin is a fabulous, fabulous place :)

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Right?? I’m guessing you’d also go to a lumbersexual convention? ;) hahah, have you been before?? :D

  • http://www.californienne.com/ Marianne

    This is UNREAL.

    It’s like something that should be a tv show along with the other redneck (only in the U.S.) tv shows like “Swamp People” or “Honey Boo Boo” where it just seems like these people are cartoons from a different planet. I think this would be so much fun to attend and I’m so glad you had a good time.

    I have to say, quite often upon reading your posts I fall upon something that really makes me ugly/snort laugh, and in this post it was when you wrote, “channeled his inner Elsa and let it go.” I wish my writing was as hilarious.

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      I KNOW. I’ve never met someone who watched those in real life, but recently I discovered a coworker who did exactly that! Weird.

      Marianne, you are the sweetest!! (Or you know me too well, stalker :p) I always love hearing when I make someone laugh :) And I love your writing! It has that introspective depth that mine probably lacks haha.

      • http://www.californienne.com/ Marianne

        Well then, I might be embarrassing myself a bit here, but I have to admit I’ve watched (and enjoyed) honey boo boo…. (sorry, not sorry – it was definitely a guilty pleasure)

        • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

          Gasp! I’m glad to know about this sooner rather than later ;)