Struggles, lately.

I’ve been struggling a bit lately and because I don’t believe in giving them room to breathe—and thus fester and grow—it will be in list form, as concise and controlled as possible. Some people find it easier to talk things out until it’s all in the open; however, I find that in doing so, I spiral out of control. More and more things start coming out until it is all I know. Two metaphors that I can use to describe it is a forest fire and Pandora’s box.

  • I’ve been on a low lately; I’m unsure whether it’s here temporarily because these lows do ebb and flow in a monthly cycle, however, I am scared of the possibility that it will stay. Of course, along with all this comes anger and guilt for feeling this way abroad.
  • This weekend, I will be taking a trip to Madrid… with someone that I used(?) to be close with. Lesson learned: don’t plan anything too far ahead. As hard as it is to almost dread traveling, I’m feeling a bit of that right now.
  • In this new residence, with this new state of mind, it’s currently hard for me to make myself vulnerable and to reach out in order to connect with people. It’s a self-destructive cycle because I do need to reach out and feel comfortable in my residence if I need to survive the funk.
  • Before this gets a little out of control, I’ll just say one more thing: I feel like I’m losing ground and connection with almost everyone here; along with the influx of new people come next semester and the loss of so many old ones, this may be a dark winter.

Has my spiral already started?

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I thought it appropriate to pair this episode of “Michelle fails to be a human being” with the old Weekly Wishes… which, over here, is more like (Bi)Weekly Wishes(onlyifMishremembers).

PREVIOUSLY, ON WEEKLY WISHES…

1. Stay on top of things. This really shouldn’t have been a goal seeing as Barcelona was right around the corner. Great job of setting yourself up for failure, though! Too bad that wasn’t a goal.

2. Hold out until Thursday. I’m sorry, I take that back. This was a pretty low bar… which you reached! Pat yourself on the back, Michelle. You managed, like every other human being out there, not to stop time. But then again, unlike every other human being out there, you did accomplish what you needed to.

3. Enjoy Barcelona;  I’ll let you be the judge of that ;) Technology blackout—accomplished. Intermittently using your phone isn’t technology. It’s life blood.

ON THIS WEEK’S EPISODE…

1. Get over yourself. See: above. I want to know you’ve kicked it this time next week and have been able to maybe do something more than marathon Dexter on Netflix. Maybe take those new earbuds out for a trial run. 

2. Stay strong. I see some challenges this weekend, understandably. Stay strong throughout and maybe do a little confrontation—after traveling solo, how bad can this be?

3. Create a schedule… and then start it after this weekend… See? I’m learning from my mistakes. I’m allowing myself until after coming back from Madrid to get on top of my shit. That’s good, right?

Linking up with Melyssa today!

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  • http://theladyerrant.com/ Elle

    Ugh, that’s the worst thing about life abroad – how people come and go. And traveling with someone you used to be close with can be pretty tough. Don’t get too hard on yourself for struggling!

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Mishfish13

      Agreed :/ it really emphasizes the temporality of everything haha… Thanks, Marielle, your comment means a lot to me :)

  • Arman @ thebigmansworld

    As long as you don’t put the other person your travelling with’s need before yours, you’ll do okay ;) Just don’t let them be a downer! If all else fails, nothing wrong with travelling solo in Madrid…just ditch em :P

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Mishfish13

      Hahah, thanks Arman :)) I know, that’s what I’m telling myself :/

  • http://www.ambermagus.ca/ Amber

    Just found your blog through the nectar collective…sorry your having a hard time with everything…i may not know exactly what your going through but i’ve moved countries before so i hear your pain. Good Luck with everything, i’m going to go find your blog on bloglovin now xx Good luck with the weekly wishes

    xx Amber

    growlittleowl.blogspot.ca

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Mishfish13

      Thank you, Amber! This means a lot to me :)

  • http://eatseedoblog.com/ Anna

    I go through this regular cycle of ups and downs where life is awesomely amazing – woo I’m living abroad living the dream wooo! – and then it’s just suddenly really really frigging HARD! So I feel your pain. Don’t be afraid to let it out and don’t feel guilty about that Dexter marathon. I think it’s great that at least you’re writing things down. It’s really nice to have some people out there who are like hey, chick. It’s alright! We got your back. Look forward to hearing about the trip :)

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Mishfish13

      Yeah! I kinda hate the cycling… but I wouldn’t have the amazing ups without it. Bittersweet, but it helps knowing that there are others out there that know what I’m going through.

      Your comment made me smile, so thank you :)

  • Foreign Geek

    O ow.. would you be able to ditch this person and solo travel instead? I hope your days gets better and better and if you are scheduling, it means you are already in the right track. Have fun (even if it’s only a little) in Madrid.

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Mishfish13

      Thanks :) your comment means a lot to me.

  • http://www.melaniefontaine.com/ Melanie Fontaine

    I know that feeling… my first semester here is coming to an end and most of my best friends here will not be back next semester. I do know some people that will still be here in January, but it’s going to be hard nonetheless. Will you be staying in France for two semesters? Don’t beat yourself up about being on a low while living abroad. Lows always come and go and being on a low doesn’t mean that you’re not enjoying yourself properly in Europe! If you feel yourself struggling, especially with the social aspect of your life, it might be helpful to reach out to someone back in the States, maybe a family member that you’re close with. Knowing that there is someone that deeply cares about you – even if that person is across the pond – can really help with these difficult situations. After all, being alone in your new place of residence makes some situations harder! But don’t worry – you can push through it! I can guarantee you that this low won’t last forever! :) Maybe it seems like that right now, but life has a funny way of making things right again! :)

    xx

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Mishfish13

      Ahh, Melanie! You’re the best—and I’m so happy to know someone like you who knows her way around the struggles abroad. I’m not exactly staying 2 semesters; I’m doing an odd 2-month thing after this one. But still, it feels daunting because of all the changes that are and will be occurring soon.

      <3

  • Theresa Chua

    Michelle, Michelle, go go go.
    You are doing just wonderful.
    Love you.

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Mishfish13

      Thank you :) love you