At What Point Do You Call BS on Yoga?

Don’t get me wrong–I like yoga just as much as any other basic out there. But there are certain times in classes where I can’t help but think it’s ridiculous.

Like this. Source.

 

Yesterday, I attended my Monday night yoga class, as always. This time, there was a sub instead of the regular teacher that I love. That’s ok, you see one yoga teacher, you’ve seen them all, right? Wrong. So much wrong.

There are some questionable yoga terms that I’ve come to accept as part of the trade, things like “Breathe deeply into your thighs, expanding your lungs to their fullest,” or “Sit so most of your weight rests on your outer butt,” but this was the first time I heard anything like, “Massage your insides.”

I came out of my meditative–zoned out?–state of mind with a pop! What the heck does that even mean? And even if I could accomplish what is usually done by surgeons, how would that even benefit me? Maybe keep the bowel regular? Girl, that’s what fiber’s for.

Once I was aware of what was going on, I started catching more and more of them. At one point, she didn’t even finish her sentence and started rattling off what I can only imagine as yoga buzzwords. “Rhythm, strength, clarity,” she listed. I struggled not to laugh and hoped that it looked like I was struggling to hold the pose.

Finally, at the end of practice, right as we went into shavasana (the final resting position, which always sounds a little ominous to me), she rattled off some insights that we could meditate on: “Let go of your shoulds. Should is the opposite of truth. Hold onto your truth and don’t care about what others think.” 

Amused and bewildered, I continued attending various yoga classes to collect a few hilarious phrases. This probably took about two weeks and some serious strain on my memory, but you’re welcome:

Open your cervical spine. Sounds mildly debilitating, but sure.

Take a fat Buddha belly. The only belly I have. Can you take it instead?

Pant like a dog. This makes me uncomfortable. 

Shoot your hips towards the sky. Slingshot! Whip it.

Open your heart to the corner of the room. Only if the corner likes me too. Otherwise, you know, it’s YET ANOTHER unreciprocated love situation. 

We store a lot of anger in our ________. Is that why my thighs are huge? 

 

Source.

Look, I get it. Yoga is beneficial for your mind and body. Why else would I go to class 2-3 times a week? But there’s a certain point where you have to stop… right?

What are some funny things you’ve heard during yoga?

Twitter | Bloglovin | Instagram

Related posts:

  • http://www.laurenonlocation.com laurenonlocation

    Hahah cracking up in the library reading this. I’m literally the least flexible person ever, so for me, yog is already hysterical. Seriously … I can’t even touch my toes. I’ve done a class or two and just struggled so much that eventually gave up on the whole thing. Oops ….. But yeah most of those phrases would confuse me for sure. Not sure I’d be able to hold in my laughter.

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Haha thanks Lauren. I know, everyone else is just holding their pose like beautiful, flexible statues and here I am tripping around. I gave up for a while, but it’s actually good for me to get some stretches after going to the gym!

      The key is to turn it into a cough ;)

  • http://lanivcox.com/ Lani

    Thank you for enduring the BS and giving us these little gems. *pants like a dog*

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Hahaha *pants like a dog* is now my new form of greeting ;) hopefully it’s not too forward.

  • http://westdateseast.com Autumn Ashbough

    LOL, my favorite yoga teacher says nothing ridiculous, but her subs make me nuts. One talks ALL the time, and by shavasana, she was all, “Can you feel the love? Can you hear the love in the room,” and it was all I could do not to scream, “I want to hear SILENCE in the room!”

    Another one give directions based on where your nipples are. Which is possibly even more uncomfortable than dog panting.

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Haha, that sub sounds like an Elton John impersonator. Subs are definitely where yoga can start to go wrong! The classes that I go to are usually really good… until the subs come in!

      LOL I’d have to look down constantly to gauge direction then! Oh man.

  • http://www.crumbsinthebed.com/ Kerri

    Yoga be weird. I have never done yoga. I prefer to be moving, sitting still makes me fidgety.

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Yeah, I thought I would be really into it… 3 months in and I’m considering just walking out and never coming back hahah.

  • http://www.clemandmarcella.wordpress.com/ Marcella ~ WhatAWonderfulWorld

    I LOVE yoga, I do it 2-3 times a week and I can’t imagine life without it (cheesy but true)… but it’s so true that you have to pick the right teacher. A recent one told us to walk on the dewy grass in the morning to feel the connection between the water, nature and ourselves… I can’t say I was sold ;)

    • http://mishfish13.com/ Michelle @ Mishfish13

      Haha, yeah, I do it at least twice a week! My town is pretty traditional and conservative, so I didn’t expect to hear things like this ;)