Don’t get me wrong–I like yoga just as much as any other basic out there. But there are certain times in classes where I can’t help but think it’s ridiculous.
Yesterday, I attended my Monday night yoga class, as always. This time, there was a sub instead of the regular teacher that I love. That’s ok, you see one yoga teacher, you’ve seen them all, right? Wrong. So much wrong.
There are some questionable yoga terms that I’ve come to accept as part of the trade, things like “Breathe deeply into your thighs, expanding your lungs to their fullest,” or “Sit so most of your weight rests on your outer butt,” but this was the first time I heard anything like, “Massage your insides.”
I came out of my meditative–zoned out?–state of mind with a pop! What the heck does that even mean? And even if I could accomplish what is usually done by surgeons, how would that even benefit me? Maybe keep the bowel regular? Girl, that’s what fiber’s for.
Once I was aware of what was going on, I started catching more and more of them. At one point, she didn’t even finish her sentence and started rattling off what I can only imagine as yoga buzzwords. “Rhythm, strength, clarity,” she listed. I struggled not to laugh and hoped that it looked like I was struggling to hold the pose.
Finally, at the end of practice, right as we went into shavasana (the final resting position, which always sounds a little ominous to me), she rattled off some insights that we could meditate on: “Let go of your shoulds. Should is the opposite of truth. Hold onto your truth and don’t care about what others think.”
Amused and bewildered, I continued attending various yoga classes to collect a few hilarious phrases. This probably took about two weeks and some serious strain on my memory, but you’re welcome:
Open your cervical spine. Sounds mildly debilitating, but sure.
Take a fat Buddha belly. The only belly I have. Can you take it instead?
Pant like a dog. This makes me uncomfortable.
Shoot your hips towards the sky. Slingshot! Whip it.
Open your heart to the corner of the room. Only if the corner likes me too. Otherwise, you know, it’s YET ANOTHER unreciprocated love situation.
We store a lot of anger in our ________. Is that why my thighs are huge?
Look, I get it. Yoga is beneficial for your mind and body. Why else would I go to class 2-3 times a week? But there’s a certain point where you have to stop… right?
What are some funny things you’ve heard during yoga?